What's in the garbage today?

- "Taweenie," aka Lightning McQueen, big sister's all-time-favorite toy

-DIAPERS, infinity

- Earrings, pulled out of auntie's delicate ear

- Cutest pants ever, soaked in crap

- Expired motorcycle license

- Something that should be washed, crushed & recycled

- Sex life

-Stickers peeled off new coffee table

- Lots and lots of coffee grounds

- Season ski pass

Containment: How Diapers Work

- (back) Poop shoots out the back when she's in her car seat

- (side) Poop trickles out the side when she's wearing brand new jammies (see ... FOOT SAUCE is when the baby is in a carrier while wearing fleece jammies and liquid poop flows down each leg to pool in the foot parts, to be noticed by you only when it drips on your bare legs because you are wearing your husband's boxers, on the 'B' side.

-(front) Pee soaks out the front once she's old enough to sleep on her tummy

A TOTAL BLOWOUT is when, in the 3-minute ride to your work X-Mas party the baby poops so much it soaks through her dress, down the car seat, and onto her backup outfit on the floor.

Book of mommy firsts

First dried booger kissed 4 times, on purpose: (18 months old) Booger squished into crib sheets, object of extreme adoration and fascination by baby, who kissed it repeatedly before insisting mommy kiss it, too.

First crap-loaded diaper changed in a public eating area when no one was looking: (10 months) After two days of constipation, at an ice cream stand near Boston. Chocolate malt crunch previously ordered left uneaten.

First snot sucked out of sick baby's nose: (3 weeks) This is by far the worse advice Tiffany has ever given me. So gross. Tiffany, you are on the advice black list, seriously.

First fart blamed on baby: (also 10 months) SeaTac airport carousel #6. Exact words: "Oh, sweetie, I'll change your dipey as soon as daddy gets the luggage."

Three weeks old

Persnickity Snoo's guide for newborn babies on appropriate responses upon waking up.

WAKE UP!
Is your dipey dirty?  (can't tell)
When were you last fed? to test, grab at mom's nipples and see how sore they are. (Kindof sore)
 When was the last time you barfed up a whole boob's worth of milk? (4 a.m. this morning)
Where's that rash today? (ass)
This wasn't a problem when grandma was here.
-->Poop
-->Then cry

Baby math

Baby math I:

1) If each boob weighs at least two pounds and the baby drains them about every two hours, given then she gains 1/2 pound each week, how many pounds of poop do we clean up each month? (Factor in one boob's worth of barfing every four days or so)

2) REM sleep is required to feel rested and it takes about three hours of sleeping to enter deep REM sleep. If the baby wakes me up every two hours for two months straight, how many times will I politely listen to someone say "just sleep when the baby sleeps" before I kick their smug, well-rested ass?

See Baby Math II