Book of mommy firsts

First dried booger kissed 4 times, on purpose: (18 months old) Booger squished into crib sheets, object of extreme adoration and fascination by baby, who kissed it repeatedly before insisting mommy kiss it, too.

First crap-loaded diaper changed in a public eating area when no one was looking: (10 months) After two days of constipation, at an ice cream stand near Boston. Chocolate malt crunch previously ordered left uneaten.

First snot sucked out of sick baby's nose: (3 weeks) This is by far the worse advice Tiffany has ever given me. So gross. Tiffany, you are on the advice black list, seriously.

First fart blamed on baby: (also 10 months) SeaTac airport carousel #6. Exact words: "Oh, sweetie, I'll change your dipey as soon as daddy gets the luggage."

Safety

Lee said baby Simon can shove 5 grapes in his mouth at once then Amy said "grapes are the #1 chokers of kids so be careful." Then we saw on the news how a little boy fell out a screen window and a girl drowned in a flower pot and babies die in their cribs and no one knows why. What the hell? Toilet clamps and drawer locks and socket covers are just little plastic talismans against the real world of drunk drivers and angry dogs and just plain bad luck. We are, terrifyingly, powerless.

Snoo's Song

Persnickity Snoo, what's wrong with you?
You cry and you cry, we don't know what to do

Your tummy is full and your dipey is new
but still you're blue, Persnickity Snoo

We love you, Persnickity Snoo
it's OK with us if you cry until two

We'll laugh and laugh until you laugh, too
you're our little girl, Persnickity Snoo

Really, really bad nightmares

I dreamed I woke up at a stranger's house and couldn't find the baby. Then I realized she was a turnip in the garden.

I dreamed we were standing on the Golden Gate Bridge when the baby fell off inside a huge pill capsule. We saw it wash ashore and sprinted down to save her. When we opened the capsule, she was a cocoon broken in half.

I dreamed she was covered in dog crap and when I washed it off she was a shrivelled blue alien.

I dreamed we lived in a house with a tiny pond in the back yard. One day a huge goldfish jumped out, snatched the baby out of my arms then swallowed her whole. We drained the whole pond to find her but only found frogs.

I dreamed she was kidnapped by lesbian rodeo clowns.

Baby math

Baby math I:

1) If each boob weighs at least two pounds and the baby drains them about every two hours, given then she gains 1/2 pound each week, how many pounds of poop do we clean up each month? (Factor in one boob's worth of barfing every four days or so)

2) REM sleep is required to feel rested and it takes about three hours of sleeping to enter deep REM sleep. If the baby wakes me up every two hours for two months straight, how many times will I politely listen to someone say "just sleep when the baby sleeps" before I kick their smug, well-rested ass?

See Baby Math II