Work: Parts of a breast pump

1) Pulsating motor, which the people in the office next door to the "lactating room" will suspect is really a vibrator 

2) How-to-book, which will press against the "on" button when you walk into work, making your coworkers think it's a (see above)

3) Rubbery part attracts cat hair (low nutritive value)

4) Good for a playdough mold

5) Nipple shield, which will warp and be unjustly blamed for a nipple blister

6) Sanitize this before stepping on it

7) THE MILK: a) shake before serving; the nutrients are in the gunk, b) this will never be as much as you want it to be, c) you need to replenish lost calories with ice cream

TIP: Chanting "boob-boob-boob-boob-boob" in time is NOT helpful

TIP: Even if you don't work out of the house, you'll need a pump when your hormone-caused sack-of-marbles gallbladder explodes, so you can pump-n-dump the milk, which is frothing with narcotics (take these)

I used to think I had a high pain tolerance

Mandie, the anthropology goddess, and my sister-in-law, Tory, both had their babies at home. It's funny how with my first it was really important to me to do it without any drugs*, but by the time #3 Daisy came along I was all, "can I start the epidural if I'm only dilated 3 centimeters?" Each birth was way easier than the last, but I became increasingly a wuss about it. The natural-childbirth God is now punishing me for that by smiting me with a nipple blister, which is unbelievably painful. A nipple blister! Who could even have imagined that such an awful thing even existed? I'll be writhing in pain on the kitchen floor and Jeff will panic and I'll gasp "the ... blister's ... almost ... too ... small ... to ... see ... where's ... that ... %#*&% .. epidural ... doctor?"
(*This attempt was an unqualified failure)

Dr. Mom: Infected Boob

Mastitus, which is Latin for "Massive Tit," is when you are a nursing mom and one of your boobs gets unbelievably huge and hard without the benefit of plastic surgery. Sometimes it gets blotchy and hot, both conditions acerbated by your husband poking at it because he cannot believe the size of that thing.

You could go to a professional and get antibiotics, OR massage it through an entire vampire movie which was really dumb or wear a cabbage leaf in your bra, which can't possibly work unless your husband hates cabbage and will then leave you alone.

Baby math II

(I am reposting this because the first one got all funky)

Baby math II:

1) If I gained 50 pounds when pregnant and, after an initial post-birth loss of about 30 pounds, I'm losing about a pound a week, how many assorted coworkers, acquaintances, ex-boyfriends and rivals such as the barista who check out my husband will I avoid OR wear a disguise around until March?

2) If the baby nurses every two hours or so and I say "SHIT! F!@#$CK! F!#$!CK!" every time she latches on, what are the odds those will be her first words?

See Baby Math I

Quiz: Should you get pregnant? (Part II)

7) I am willing to switch bodies with a total stranger who is clumsy and overweight
- yes   - no   -I hope my boobs get really freaking huge

8) I have a nice ass
- yes   - no    - rack also

9) I would like to set my alarm to go off every three hours for at least six months. Each time the alarm goes off, I will apply battery clamps to my nipples for 1/2 hour. I promise this will make me free profoundly peaceful and happy. I will love the battery clamps with all my heart.
- yes   - no   - I found God

10) In the last year, I have adopted two dogs, one cat, one bird, a turtle, a rabbit and a gerbil.
- yes   - no   - And saltwater aquarium

11) I have no friends or hobbies and I dislike quiet time alone with music, books, or TV. I don't have a computer.
- yes   - no   - not even cable

SCORING: Add up all the "yes" answers, subtract the "no" ones then multiply by the others. Then go ahead and get knocked up because the baby will be SO CUTE.

Three weeks old

Persnickity Snoo's guide for newborn babies on appropriate responses upon waking up.

WAKE UP!
Is your dipey dirty?  (can't tell)
When were you last fed? to test, grab at mom's nipples and see how sore they are. (Kindof sore)
 When was the last time you barfed up a whole boob's worth of milk? (4 a.m. this morning)
Where's that rash today? (ass)
This wasn't a problem when grandma was here.
-->Poop
-->Then cry

Two weeks old

Introduction to breastfeeding:

Step 1: Baby appears hungry

Step 2: Position the baby in the cross hold, football hold or lay facing the baby

Step 3: The baby opens her mouth in a wide and polite way, the tongue covering the lower gumline. She may look at you in an adoring way with those huge trusting beautiful blue eyes.

Step 4: Pinch the areola and gently guide it into the baby's mouth.

Step 5: The baby sucks. The baby sucks really freaking hard, as hard as one of those hot tub drains that can kill you it sucks so hard.

Step 6: Scream in pain

Step 7: The baby startles, simultaneously biting down and jerking her head back before letting go in order to scream like a caged bobcat and frantically stuff her hands in her mouth because you are such a nipple wuss she is starving to death.

Step 8: Repeat from Step 1.

Consequences!! (Pregnancy edition)

If you don't rush to the hospital to induce labor today!! your amniotic fluid will dry up and your Sahara-like womb will kill the baby!

If you don't get a Cesarean RIGHT NOW your baby will die and you'll need a hysterectomy!

If you don't tell you crappy doctor to F(%@*k OFF! you'll get a totally unnecessary Cesarean after two hours of labor!

If you don't start breastfeeding right away and continue until she is two, your baby will be a mentally handicapped, disease-ridden pariah until she dies miserable at an early age.

and so on.