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Monday, March 14, 2011

Work: Parts of a breast pump

1) Pulsating motor, which the people in the office next door to the "lactating room" will suspect is really a vibrator 

2) How-to-book, which will press against the "on" button when you walk into work, making your coworkers think it's a (see above)

3) Rubbery part attracts cat hair (low nutritive value)

4) Good for a playdough mold

5) Nipple shield, which will warp and be unjustly blamed for a nipple blister

6) Sanitize this before stepping on it

7) THE MILK: a) shake before serving; the nutrients are in the gunk, b) this will never be as much as you want it to be, c) you need to replenish lost calories with ice cream

TIP: Chanting "boob-boob-boob-boob-boob" in time is NOT helpful

TIP: Even if you don't work out of the house, you'll need a pump when your hormone-caused sack-of-marbles gallbladder explodes, so you can pump-n-dump the milk, which is frothing with narcotics (take these)


  1. Aww... you so deserve my best title award. I love it! Made me smile. Hop over and claim the badge for your award and then pass it on to another worthy blog.

  2. I LOVE this! My hormone infected gallbladder exploded AFTER I was done breastfeeding but my right breast remained twice as big as ole lefty until I had a breast reduction. Oh the joys of motherhood.