Dr. Mom: Infected Boob

Mastitus, which is Latin for "Massive Tit," is when you are a nursing mom and one of your boobs gets unbelievably huge and hard without the benefit of plastic surgery. Sometimes it gets blotchy and hot, both conditions acerbated by your husband poking at it because he cannot believe the size of that thing.

You could go to a professional and get antibiotics, OR massage it through an entire vampire movie which was really dumb or wear a cabbage leaf in your bra, which can't possibly work unless your husband hates cabbage and will then leave you alone.