Exercise: Running after childbirth

What's the most interesting new development?

Round 1:
- Chafed nipples the length of mini-carrots vs. flopping water-balloon stomach
- "me time" guilt vs. involuntary rythmic farting
- Napping for 1/2 mile stretches vs. occasional dribbles
- Loaf of breast vs. slippery hip sockets

Final 4!
-  Chafed nipples the length of mini-carrots vs. involuntary rythmic farting
- Napping for 1/2 mile stretches vs. Loaf of breast

Championship round:
- involuntary rythmic farting vs. Loaf of breast

THE WINNER!
involuntary rythmic farting

24 weeks: Childbirth methods

The Bradley Method

Basic idea: Drug-free childbirth is satisfying for mothers, healthy for babies.
Key points:
- Your obstetrician is a puppet controlled by pharmaceutical companies and malpractice insurance
- Women have easier deliveries when their husbands help while naked
Likely result: Healthy mother and baby

Lamaze

Basic idea: Simple pain coping strategies can ease labor. Also, drugs are awesome.
Key points:
- The doctor and hospital staff are benevolent and trustworthy. Don't worry about all those tubes stuffed into your vagina or the IV wedged into your spinal column.
- Panting is a good way to increase oxygen to the brain despite overwhelming scientific and commonsense evidence to the contrary
Likely result: Healthy mother and baby

The Travis & Robyn Method

Basic idea: Travis grabs birth book on the way to the hospital and reads the content pages at stoplights.
Result: Healthy mother and baby

One week old

Nothing personal, my little friend, but I can't believe I gave up my life for a little creature that will probably hate me when she's a teenager. When we found out I was pregnant and people gave us all those adorable pink clothes, it seemed so charming. Now the clothes are wadded up in the laundry covered with crap and barf and I lie here with you sleeping on my bizarre flesh-heap belly and I whisper to your sweet warm head: "what the hell were we thinking?"

Consequences!! (Pregnancy edition)

If you don't rush to the hospital to induce labor today!! your amniotic fluid will dry up and your Sahara-like womb will kill the baby!

If you don't get a Cesarean RIGHT NOW your baby will die and you'll need a hysterectomy!

If you don't tell you crappy doctor to F(%@*k OFF! you'll get a totally unnecessary Cesarean after two hours of labor!

If you don't start breastfeeding right away and continue until she is two, your baby will be a mentally handicapped, disease-ridden pariah until she dies miserable at an early age.

and so on.