[meta content='0;url=http://www.thebabysucks.com' http-equiv='refresh'/> The Baby Sucks: January 2011


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Monday, January 31, 2011

Quiz: Should you get pregnant?

1) I am willing to go to a hospital, do a truckload of drugs, then wake up the next day feeling like I'd been in an S&M experiment gone seriously awry. OR I am willing to skip the drugs first.
- yes   - no   - like last Friday?

2) My husband doesn't mind if I go insane
- yes   - no   -He's already in Mexico

3) I enjoy it when entire plane loads of people hate me
- yes   - no   - Also restaurant patrons

4) Breasts are sexy
-  yes   - no   - Seriously, no

5) I enjoy sleeping
- yes   - no   - I am an internist

6) Being enormous and barfing is acceptable:
- never   - Two months, max   - I've never felt so beautiful

Part II tomorrow: Your ass, and the final tally

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

January 1, 2011

Six hours after the plumber got here, he stood up and said, "that's enough!" as if our ancient sewer pipes personally insulted him, called him a name, "shit-head" maybe. Then he and Jeff went into the basement and somehow unleashed an unholy torrent of raw sewage right into our basement, leading to us evacuating the kids at 2 a.m. All I know is when your house is soaked in shit, it's no consolation if it's your own.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Book of mommy firsts

First dried booger kissed 4 times, on purpose: (18 months old) Booger squished into crib sheets, object of extreme adoration and fascination by baby, who kissed it repeatedly before insisting mommy kiss it, too.

First crap-loaded diaper changed in a public eating area when no one was looking: (10 months) After two days of constipation, at an ice cream stand near Boston. Chocolate malt crunch previously ordered left uneaten.

First snot sucked out of sick baby's nose: (3 weeks) This is by far the worse advice Tiffany has ever given me. So gross. Tiffany, you are on the advice black list, seriously.

First fart blamed on baby: (also 10 months) SeaTac airport carousel #6. Exact words: "Oh, sweetie, I'll change your dipey as soon as daddy gets the luggage."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Lee said baby Simon can shove 5 grapes in his mouth at once then Amy said "grapes are the #1 chokers of kids so be careful." Then we saw on the news how a little boy fell out a screen window and a girl drowned in a flower pot and babies die in their cribs and no one knows why. What the hell? Toilet clamps and drawer locks and socket covers are just little plastic talismans against the real world of drunk drivers and angry dogs and just plain bad luck. We are, terrifyingly, powerless.

Friday, January 14, 2011


In that picture of Alexander Hamilton, the one on the $10 bill, he's super hot. How could I have not noticed that before?

Monday, January 10, 2011

From the archive: Ninja

Jeff wants me to sell my motorcycle because I'm likely to get killed on it and he's shy so finding another girlfriend as cool as me would be almost impossible and also a total pain in the ass.

My argument is that I should keep it because the open road calls my name, plus it's the only occasion I have to wear leather pants and stompy pink boots.

Today the Alaska viaduct was closed for hours. Traffic was backed up to yesterday. When we got to work at the newspaper we learned there had been an accident, a motorcycle vs. SUV fatality so bad even the people in the SUV had serious injuries.

We were talking about the sadness of this when Heidi the reporter yelled across the newsroom "hey Heather! Remember a couple months ago when that semi blew through the red light and almost smashed you on your motorcycle right outside the building? That was SO CLOSE!"

Jeff said, "I didn't know that."

"Um, I forgot to tell you," I said.

Right then I knew I lost the motorcycle argument, for good.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The House at Poo Corner update

We evacuated the house at 2 a.m. and have not returned. Meanwhile, an army of adjusters, professional crap-cleaners, dump haulers, backhoe drivers, pipe-camera operators, and assorted money grubbers have been there 24 hours a day enjoying the glory that is our absurdly sewage-soaked basement.

Of course, an illustration is in the works, made easier if I could find my #$@)*#% favorite pens.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

What's your sign? I'm a feces

Jeff is in the basement with the plumber and they just opened the main sewage line, opened it right into the basement and I can hear splashing and Jeff going "ARRRGGH" and this horrid smell washed upstairs, all over the house, a smell so bad that changing the diapers of three babies for four years has not prepared me for this in the least. It's ungodly awful. I think Jeff just barfed. The plumber has tried many things, for hours, and now this. It was the last option.

Does your basement flooding with sewage on January 1 mean the whole year will be filled with terrible luck, or should we be happy that things can only improve from here on? At least the girls will be delighted; they spend half their day devising ways to say "poop" or things that rhyme with "poop" so they don't get in trouble for potty talk; in the face of this, worrying about if a 4-year-old says poop seems like a total waste of parenting energy. Because now it seems the entire house is coated in shit, old shit, decayed shit, the shit of demons and dragons and Boston drivers and all the most evil foul creatures real or imagined.

The plumber thinks the main line is broken. We are so screwed.