January 1, 2011

Six hours after the plumber got here, he stood up and said, "that's enough!" as if our ancient sewer pipes personally insulted him, called him a name, "shit-head" maybe. Then he and Jeff went into the basement and somehow unleashed an unholy torrent of raw sewage right into our basement, leading to us evacuating the kids at 2 a.m. All I know is when your house is soaked in shit, it's no consolation if it's your own.

From the archive: Ninja

Jeff wants me to sell my motorcycle because I'm likely to get killed on it and he's shy so finding another girlfriend as cool as me would be almost impossible and also a total pain in the ass.

My argument is that I should keep it because the open road calls my name, plus it's the only occasion I have to wear leather pants and stompy pink boots.

Today the Alaska viaduct was closed for hours. Traffic was backed up to yesterday. When we got to work at the newspaper we learned there had been an accident, a motorcycle vs. SUV fatality so bad even the people in the SUV had serious injuries.

We were talking about the sadness of this when Heidi the reporter yelled across the newsroom "hey Heather! Remember a couple months ago when that semi blew through the red light and almost smashed you on your motorcycle right outside the building? That was SO CLOSE!"

Jeff said, "I didn't know that."

"Um, I forgot to tell you," I said.

Right then I knew I lost the motorcycle argument, for good.

From the archive: Koi

On the North side of town there's a duck pond for a yard. All kinds of exotic water birds live there that you could wish forever to see in the wild but never would even if you lived in Siberia and were specifically trying.

Jeff and I got in a fight about I don't even remember so I drove him all the way up to the north side to see the duck pond because I wanted to show him something really neat as a way of saying sorry without actually saying it.

When we got there, the harlequin ducks were chasing each other in a waddling funny way and the trumpeter swans came right up to the fence to inspect us. Jeff was smiling and about to forgive me when a fish flipped out of the water and landed on the bank right in front of us, flopping and gasping and all we could do was watch.

Shallow

Being pregnant on your wedding day sucks because you're pretty much fat and when you get the pictures back only then do you notice fat dimples on your elbows - your elbows, for God's sake. This, of course, is completely shallow, because people have way worse problems that your ridiculous body image issues and you're pregnant so of course you've gained weight, shut up already. And the pictures are gorgeous, brilliantly done; everyone else looks fabulous. Double shut up, then. Still, people will come over and see no wedding photo on your mantle and wonder if you hate your husband when the truth is marrying him was the best decision in your whole life but maybe, just maybe you should have laid off the kobe beef burgers in the first trimester or not chosen that sleeveless wedding gown.